Motherhood

There was a time my heartbeat

was the only one I knew,

and even keeping that alive

felt impossible to do.

The world was sharp with winter then,

uncertain, hard, and wild,

until it placed into my arms,

Jacob, my firstborn child.

You arrived unplanned to everyone,

including your dad and me,

and suddenly your fragile heart

depended on our plea.

We could not always pay the bills,

or fill the kitchen shelves,

but somehow love still built a home

from broken parts of ourselves.

The world stayed cruel beyond our door,

its teeth still bared the same,

yet somehow when you laughed at me,

the coldness never came.

And I did all a mother could

to soften what I knew—

to make the world feel gentler,

when it was harsh to you.

Then came Finn, the heartbeat planned,

the child we dreamed to meet,

awaited long with hopeful hands

before his heart could beat.

Yet love did not arrive more full

than when your brother came—

from the start we held you both

with hearts that loved the same.

You boys became each other’s world,

shadows at each other’s sides,

and neither one of you could stray

too far from where the other lied.

The world remained a difficult place,

uncertain, loud, unfair,

but every year it felt more full

because the two of you were there.

We thought our family story done,

our chapters neatly tied,

until sweet Bobbi tried to bloom—

and then that small light died.

There was blood and grief and empty rooms,

a silence hard to name,

and though you boys were far too young,

you still were changed the same.

Children know what mothers hide,

even without words;

they feel the ache inside a home

before it can be heard.

Four long years the frost remained

around my fragile heart,

until surprise came wrapped in spring

with little Marceline’s start.

We never thought another soul

would find their way to us,

yet still we made a place of joy,

with laughter, love, and trust.

And when she finally reached our arms,

we somehow simply knew—

our family circle had been drawn

completely now with you.

You could not keep up with the boys,

though heaven knows you tried,

forever racing after them

with stubbornness and pride.

The three of you became as one,

through every laugh and fight,

and somehow every argument

just bound your hearts more tight.

The world has always been this hard,

this cold, uncertain place,

but somehow color learned to grow

where all your hearts made space.

Then came Neptr, little puppy soul,

already sick from birth,

teaching us that even life short-lived

can still carry wonder on Earth.

Now Simon and Peppers greet the dawn

like joy that won’t sit still,

furry reminders every day

that love survives through will.

The world is still uncertain,

still sharp in many ways,

but none of you must face it alone

as you all walk through your days.

So if I fear tomorrow still,

if storms still shake above,

I face them now surrounded

by the fiercest kind of love.

The love of a family happy and full,

bright laughter through each room,

where every day is a gift anew,

every year another bloom.

---

I wrote this poem for my children, so they know there was never a time they were unloved or unwanted. Every moment of our lives has been fuller and brighter because of them.